Camelot — Episode 2 — The Sword and The Crown

A bunch of previouslys that I feel no need to recap because they were simply the last episode, plus which they had aired this as a two-hour pilot, so any previouslys are simply artificial.

Credits Of Unending Length.  Virtually everything except for the sword pictures, the images of Merlin, Morgan, Arthur, Guinevere and the knights, and the Pendragon banner, all appear to be something you could find on Getty Images.

We open up on Sir Ector's wife's funeral.  It would have been way more convenient if they'd given her a name.  Like, ever.  Kay is performing her funeral service, which strangely involves her being buried in a rock cairn, but a wooden cross tied together with what looks like twine.  You'd think that they'd put more effort into the marking of her grave, but I guess if you get buried above ground, it's pretty obvious where you're buried.  Kay has about the right tone, by the way, where he's clearly on the edge of losing it, but is still speaking with a steady voice.  It's very well done.  Props to Peter Mooney here.  I also like that he's not faking a British accent, which is a historical accuracy rather than an oversight.  Arthur is looking broody and windblown, which I am fairly sure is his default mode for acting.

Then, Arthur starts to freak out as people try to close the grave.  I'm not sure I get why, since his mother is shrouded, including her face — he can't be getting any more visual memories.  I think it's to imply that he's not ready to deal with this, but I don't think we need him to say that.  And then Arthur says, sadly, "It's my fault."  Merlin turns around, and I could easily point out it's way more Merlin's fault, as Arthur's just the naïve kid he dragged along for the ride.  Kay says, "No," and Merlin says, "Don't let it rule you.  Lot murdered her so you would buckle.  Take what you're feeling, and use it as fuel."  Merlin's not keen on being distracted from his agenda.

Then Merlin makes a really stupid statement, which is, "We'll make this right.  But you can't be distracted.  There's too much at stake."  Right, like the life of his mother wasn't a big deal to him.  Come on.  Merlin then says, "We need to return to Camelot now."  Kay is surprisingly not flipping out at this — I mean, at least Arthur has Igraine, whereas Kay only came equipped with one mum — but maybe Stoicism is one of his virtues.  Arthur just shakes his head at Merlin, which in my opinion, he should have done about half an episode ago.

Then he starts screaming, "No!" as Ulfius and Leontes attempt to close the grave now that Arthur's distracted.  Arthur says, "I want to stay with her.  On my own."  Merlin rolls his eyes.  Although, honestly, Merlin, you want the kid to be a king, you have to get used to him giving orders.  And he says as much.  "I'm giving you an order.  Plan my defences.  I'll return before sundown."  And everyone actually goes along with this, and I figured that Merlin was going to go all prima donna on us.

We go to a shot of Morgan polishing a sword.  She asks Lot, "How many men have you killed with this?"  He answers indifferently, "Do you think I keep count?"  Well, based on what we've seen of him, I believe that statement entirely.  I'd be surprised if he even noticed.  Given her obsessive sword-polishing, he correctly infers, "You're thinking about the boy again, aren't you?"  She is surprised that he didn't grok her warning.  Well, given that he grew up with a severe lack of dysfunction, I'm completely unsurprised.  Trying to anticipate that your sister finds it to be no big deal to kill your foster mother doesn't really occur to the well-adjusted mind.  Lot, who we now see is half-naked and lying in bed, advises her that she was totally fair and that she shouldn't brood. It looks to me like he's considering another reaffirmation of their alliance.

Morgan correctly assesses the damage she's done by saying, "It was his mother."  Lot indifferently replies, "He has a spare, doesn't he?"  Morgan inquires if Lot remembers when his parents died.  "Yes.  I killed them."  Morgan gives him a sideways glance as to assess the level of crazy that she's agreed to work with here.  Lot makes it clear he wants more allying and less brooding, and Morgan happily crawls onto him.  So I guess that wasn't  a long-term crisis of conscience.

Arthur is walking along a beach, which I assume is the beach behind Camelot.  Although, really, it could be basically any beach available.  He broods artistically, in that way that's become fashionable for teen-aged boys to show that they're sensitive and don't participate in high school sports.

Meanwhile, Merlin is in the castle, giving instructions to Ulfius, Leontes, Brastias, Pellinor and … Kay?  Dude just buried his mother.  Can't you cut him some slack?  Although Merlin orders more guards at entrances and to challenge anyone they don't recognise, something Uther should have considered before kicking over the traces.  Ulfius correctly points out that they don't have enough men to do that, and Merlin says to leave that to him.  I'm wondering if Merlin is going to go all Clone Wars on us.  He advises them, "As of now, you have one single priority: Protect Arthur."  Who is, of course, currently on a beach away from everyone else, so it'd be probably hard to go all ninja on anyone who happened to see him.

Meanwhile, on the beach, the girl from Arthur's dream is walking up to him wearing a soaking wet, white dress that reveals much more than it conceals.  He starts running toward her, clearly envisioning a Nick Cassavetes-type scene.  As soon as he reaches her, however, she uses his momentum to push him to the ground, then climbs on top of him and holds a dagger to his throat.  I'm not sure Arthur's into that, and my suspicion is confirmed when he gasps, "What are you doing?"  The Girl replies, "You were staring at me."  Well, yes, in this scene, every bisexual or homosexual female, bisexual or heterosexual male, and hell, probably some homosexual males and heterosexual females were staring at her, because the girl is smoking hot.  She adjusts the dagger slightly and says, "And this is where I go not to be stared at."  You might want to consider a bathing dress in a colour other than white then, kid.

Arthur, clearly focused less on the hot chick and more on the risk of death, probably for the first time in his life, says, "I can explain."  The Girl moves the dagger to the other side of his throat and says, "Go on, then."  Arthur starts explaining about dreams of her and visions of her walking out of the sea, although he skips the shagging her senseless part, and she freaks out, saying, "You're not going to lay a finger on me."  Probably a wise precaution to take, given what we've seen of Arthur so far.  He explains that he was merely seeking some peace and quiet after burying his mother, and given that the next scene is of them walking together, with her inquiring after how his mother died, I guess she's dealt with her paranoia about being seen with a white cotton dress plastered to her body when soaking wet.

He reveals that Lot killed his mother, and The Girl advises him that Lot will come after him next, based on family experience, where an uncle stood up to him and got murdered for his trouble.  She changes the subject, while either she or the cinematographer channels Gwyneth Paltrow in Great Expectations, and asks, "This dream.  How did it end?"  He grins at her, giving the answer, and then, after a beat, says, "I can't remember."  Given the whole dagger-to-neck thing, probably the wiser course of action.  Arthur gets distracted from putting his mack onto the girl by Sir Ector yelling and waving his arms, screaming, "Arthur!"  Probably because his father knows from long experience that getting Arthur's attention when he's with a beautiful girl takes some serious doing.  Arthur turns to go, and then says, "I don't know your name."  She smirks and says, "No.  You don't."

He runs up the hillside to where his father, Kay, and Merlin have gathered around the grave.  Ector and Arthur start blaming themselves for what happened, and then Merlin finally says, "I misjudged what Lot was capable of.  I bear the responsibility."  This is the first time that Merlin's admitted any fault during this entire clusterfuck, so I'm sort of stunned.  Ector, understandably pissed off, says, "Then you help us.  Help us avenge her death."  Maybe Merlin should have kept his trap shut.  Merlin advises everyone that bloodshed is over, but instead, they'll fight by guile, which somehow avenges Ector's wife.  I don't even get this reasoning, and based on the faces at graveside, no one else gets it, either.

Castle Pendragon.  Lot is asleep.  Wait, he moved in with Morgan on the first date?  Morgan touches his face with the tip of a sword, and then runs the tip of the sword down his body, but never actually cuts him.  Based on her grin, I think she was testing how heavy of a sleeper he was.

Morgan is now out in the woods … carving up the ground?  I always knew the girl was crazy, but this is a new level of crazy.  Oh.  She's sketching a circle.  Huh.  Then she cuts some of her hair and draws some blood and buries all this in the ground.  The Pendragon Witch Project?  She starts trying to get some demons or spirits or maybe just bored and crazy recluses that live in the woods to talk to her.  Even with Bose headphones and the volume turned all the way up,  I can't make any sense out of the moaning and groaning of the woods as she says, "Uther is dead, but there's another.  Uther's boy."  Interesting that she's finally acknowledging his paternity.

Anyway, the woods talk some more to her in a way I can't understand, and she says, "It makes no difference!  He has nothing now!  His mother was killed.  His spirit is broken."  I guess she's never heard of the basic principle of retribution.  She continues, "It's nearly the time, I swear."

Cut to Camelot, where it seems like a relatively industrious mason has been at work trying to make the place work, and Merlin informs Arthur that he has a big task today.  Arthur replies, "You say that every day."  Well, true enough.  He's known Merlin about a week, and he's been asked to abandon his home, travel across Britain, move into a ruined pile of stone, face down a sister he never knew he had, oppose King Lot openly while backed up by approximately ⅛ of the knights that Lot had handy, face the death of his mother, and bury his mother.  It's probably a more eventful week than Arthur is used to, and I have no doubt whatsoever that he wishes he was at his home farm shagging Kay's girlfriends instead.

Kay follows along as Merlin says, "A king exists primarily as an idea.  If we can persuade the people to believe in the idea of you, then we can make it a reality."  This is weird reasoning.  If it's an idea, how do you make it a reality?  Aren't ideas pretty much intangible?  Also, I'm pretty sure Lot et al. aren't ideas so far as they are extremely well-armed and well-financed men of great charisma and power, or power, anyway, that scare the hell out of everyone that they come across.  Merlin continues, "Leontes will join us.  He has the equipment you need."  I see ropes and climbing axes.  So, they're going mountaineering.  I thought only yuppies did that.  I'm pretty sure Arthur has enough adventure available to him that he doesn't need to try to get killed in other, more creative ways.

Kay practically asks, "What are you talking about?"  Arthur asks sceptically, "How do I become a new idea?"  Merlin goes for his usual cryptic answer of, "By doing the impossible."  And if it's impossible, how do you do it, and if it's … oh, never mind.  Looking for logic in Merlin's statements is like looking for an uncorrupted Chicago ward boss.

We cut to a gigantic waterfall with a moss-covered sword in it.  I have a feeling this is going to be more gruesome than The Sword in the Stone Disney film.  Merlin explains, off-camera, "The Romans believed that sword belonged to Mars, their god of war."  The camera changes focus to the guys on the riverbank as Arthur sarcastically says, "We all know the legend, thank you."  I'd question why an artefact of a Roman god is in Britain, but, hey, I've given up on the logic of this.  And, to be fair, the Romans viewed Britain as a hell that it would take the luck of a god to escape from alive, sort of how we view Somalia today.

Kay practically asks, "How long has it really been there?"  Merlin answers, "No one knows exactly how long."  This I can get behind, because Merlin doesn't seem like the archaeologist type.  Merlin continues to Arthur, "Today, you retrieve it."  If everyone's object is to protect the life of Arthur, why are we sending him to climb a gigantic waterfall?  I get the propaganda value, but … yeah.  Kay offers, "Good luck with that, brother."  Arthur takes one look at all this and says, "No way."  I'm with Arthur on this point, but one of the downsides of making a story based on Arthurian legend is that we all know how everything ends almost every time.  But I'd still look at that and say, "Better you than me."

Leontes rides up and helpfully adds, "Everyone who's tried it has died."  Leontes is a real buzzkill.  Merlin dismounts and says, "The legend's clear.  Whoever pulls the sword from that rock shall be the king to unite all of Britain."  Arthur, showing yet more common sense, says, "It's been there for centuries.  No one's ever done it before.  Why do you think I can do it?"  Merlin goes back into Vaguely Prophetic Cryptic mode and answers, "Because no one's ever needed to do it as much as you do."  I swear that the oracle at Delphi answered questions more clearly than Merlin does.  Merlin goes on to say, "Believe in yourself."  Arthur takes a look at this gigantic waterfall and all the slippery rocks he'd need to climb to make it to the top and undoubtedly wonders how believing in himself is meant to keep him from getting killed trying this.

On a practical, army-trained note, I'd like to point out that it looks like abseiling would be far safer than climbing this from the ground, but Merlin, as we've seen, is not really keen on the self-preservation bit.

Arthur looks at the boulders and insecure footing and the like and ventures, "Maybe with some training …"  Merlin cuts this practical line of thinking off, as Merlin is wont to do, and says, "No, it has to be now."  Arthur is getting really annoyed with the Mission O' Death and replies,  "If it's so important, why don't you do it?"  Merlin, equally annoyed, replies, "Stop pulling at me and start pushing yourself.  You've strength and intelligence, but if you won't try, you're not my king, and everything will have been for nothing."

Personally, I think that were it not for the death of his mother, Arthur would happily go home and forget this whole king business altogether, but Merlin evokes the right note by reminding him that he doesn't want the death of his mother to have meant nothing.  Although, really, given the way Lot has been pillaging and murdering everyone available across the country, I'm not sure how the death of his mother wasn't just as likely if he'd stayed home.  Arthur and Kay stare at the waterfall, and Kay offers, "I have an idea."

Back to Castle Pendragon, where Morgan, looking kind of raggedy, walks into what appears to be a feast just like the one where she poisoned her father.  Except this one features a couple shagging on one of the feast tables, just to remind everyone that Starz is a premium content channel.  Morgan walks up to the thrones and finds Lot with two women who, surprisingly, are still wearing their clothes, though with his record, I assume they sat down in the last 10 seconds.  One's already on his lap.  Lot has the utter gall to then ask Morgan, "Where were you?" as if Lot wasn't perfectly capable of amusing himself with the two buxom women he's keeping handy.  In fact, he complains that he woke up and Morgan wasn't beside him, although I have to assume that he wasn't worried about her safety as much as he was his morning erection.  Morgan sulkingly answers, "I like to walk in the mornings."  Lot is completely puzzled by the self-contemplation that Morgan is displaying, probably because his mind is on killing and whoring, which doesn't require a lot of introspection.

In fact, Lot shows off the gifts they've received in acknowledgement of their superiority over other rival nobility, to which Morgan sniffs, "Send them back.  It's too early for gifts."  Which, given that there are 4 days left in which to defeat Arthur and his knights, I can understand.  It's like dealing with wedding gifts — it's far easier to send them back if you haven't opened them yet.  Lot lets Morgan know that a spy saw Arthur riding out of Camelot this morning, "scurrying away".  He points out that he knows what fear does to people, which, given that being in the same room with this guy would terrify me, I have to assume he knows.  He adds that very soon, he and Morgan will be celebrating their wedding and then their coronation, which he punctuates by putting his hand far up on Morgan's thigh.  Morgan retorts, "I'd be excited if you were planning battles, instead of ceremonies, my lord."  Although if Lot genuinely believes that Arthur has been scared off, I don't see why he'd be planning battles.  She stalks out, saying, "I hope I won't have cause to doubt our alliance" at a volume that is designed to make everyone in the room respect Lot a bit less, which I can't think is a smart idea.  Doubting Lot, smart idea.  Pissing Lot off in front of everyone … less so.

Back to the Cliff of Almost Certain Death, Kay is tossing the coil of rope towards a projection of some sort on the cliff.  I suppose MacGyver'ing it is a smarter move than simply climbing until you fall off and end up dead.  Arthur is then tied to part of the rope around his chest.  Kay reminds him, "Stronger together," the same motto Ector and Ector's wife offered an episode ago … which hasn't worked out well for Ector and his new widower status, but I suppose is part of the point, that a boy king would need solid allies as he tries to figure this out, and oh look, I just figured out most of the series in one metaphor.

Sir Ector enters the Great Hall, which now features livestock, a blacksmith shop, various people performing construction tasks, and a functional well.  I guess the neighbourhood is getting gentrified.  Ector walks up to the two women at the well, one of whom is Igraine, and says, "I'm looking for my two sons, Kay and Arthur.  Have you seen them?"  I smell awkward coming up immediately.  She goes to him and says, "You're Ector!"  Ector replies dryly, "And you're his mother."  Igraine wisely plays this down and says, "Well, I gave birth to him, but your wife was more his mother … I'm so sorry for her death."  Other than mixing the acknowledgement of his foster parents' greater rôle in with reminders of what fostering a kid of royal blood landed them with, I'm pretty impressed with Igraine's tact here.  Ector responds to the spirit, rather than the somewhat clumsy phrasing, and thanks her.  Ector then goes into a nostalgic-cum-accusatory trip about how much they'd wondered about appearance similarities, which is normal for adoptive parents, and when she'd come back to claim him, which is … not so normal.  She explains that she never came because she was forbidden to search for him, or even speak of him.  Who put in this order?  I'm smelling Merlin here.

This whole moment of tenuous family reunion is interrupted by a rider approaching saying, "Someone's trying to pull the sword of Mars."  Given the history associated with everyone who's tried this, you'd think they could just avoid the publicity until they announced the death of whomever tried it.  Ector whispers, half to himself, "Arthur."  So, apparently the case of bad judgement that I noticed last episode has enough history that Ector expects this kind of stunt.

In fact, talking about lack of common sense, Arthur is laughing madly while being pulled up the cliff face through a pulley system that involves Kay on the pulling end and Arthur on the dead-weight end.  Which could easily be a metaphor for their entire fraternal relationship.  And he's yelling at Kay to pull more.  Given the metres of rope we see behind Kay, I'm not impressed.  Your brother knows you need to get up there, so shut up and cheer him on with thanks rather than provoking him.  Some random peasant sees all this and yells, "That's cheating."  And we see that he's standing behind Leontes and Merlin.  I know Merlin won't lift a finger to offer practical help, but you'd think that Leontes could help with the heavy work that Kay's doing.  Merlin turns around and tells RandomPeasant, "It's initiative."  RandomPeasant looks like he has his own opinion of this, but with Joseph Fiennes staring at me, I'd probably shut my trap too.

Kay is now pulling so hard he has fallen over and is lying on metres of rope.  That's going to be one hell of a friction burn on his hands.  Merlin leans slightly towards Leontes and says, "Prepare the beacon."  Leontes raises his eyebrows, whereas RandomPeasant puts in, "Waste of wood.  He'll not get that sword."  He's the first person we've heard in this series with a serious amount of accent, which, compared to all the educated accents all around us, makes him sound like a hick, which I think is the point.  And in fact, Merlin glances over his shoulder and says, "Piss off."

Arthur has reached the precipice that Kay was helping him up to, which is probably a welcome event in Kay's eyes.  Arthur starts yelling, "We did it!"  which to my mind is inaccurate.  Kay did all the pulling and coördination, whereas Arthur just yelled at him to keep doing it.  Now, of course, he's about a third to halfway up the cliff, and now just has to focus on a long way of water slicked rocks underneath a waterfall.  No problem!  And, for some reason, Arthur grins looking up at this, like the kid wants to die.  Although if he died, chances are that Merlin would stop barking orders at him specifically.

Back where Merlin is watching, Leontes comments, "I thought you said our priority was to protect the king."  And, really, sending him on what has historically been a suicide mission seems the opposite of "protection".  Leontes continues, "I've been on those rocks.  You're sending him to his death.  Even if he gets to the sword, it's impossible.  It can't be done."  I have to wonder if Leontes was just into rock climbing or thought about pulling the sword himself.  Merlin replies, "It can.  It must.  We've nothing."  Well, yeah.  I've been pointing that out for an entire recap.  You have a pretty boy from the Twilight films, you have an extra-crazy Joseph Fiennes, you have a brother who keeps on losing his pussy to Arthur, and you have a dead foster mother, plus a ruined Roman building and 20 guys who stuck around after Uther died.  Yeah, I'd agree with Merlin's assessment, although the way he speaks to Arthur has made me wonder up until this point if he realises how very little he does have here.

Watching Arthur climbing the cliff and relying on sheer arm and leg strength makes me see why he wanted to take a break for some training first, and he's getting encouraging cries of "Keep going!"  Down on the bottom, a bunch of people are riding up to watch Arthur fall to his death.  I guess there isn't a great deal to do in this neighbourhood.  They definitely don't have cable.  RandomPeasant interjects, "You're wasting your time, lads.  He'll never make it."  Merlin gives him another Look but doesn't bother telling him to piss off, maybe because he's figured out that RandomPeasant is here for the sheer gore of it.  Interestingly, Leontes always ignores RandomPeasant.  It's as if Merlin is a very twisted P.R. man.  Which, come to think of it, he is.

Merlin comments, "He'll make it.  They've come to watch a legend born."  I'm pretty sure all the people who are showing up are the same people who would watch slasher flicks in the 20th century and are interested to see how far the kid makes it before dying, but very few people bother challenging Merlin's view of reality, seeing as how Merlin is fairly well set on his version.

Arthur's made such good progress up the cliff that he's a) sopping wet and b) nearly invisible from below.  He's also groaning with each move he makes, which I understand — the lactic acid burn in his deltoids and quads has got to be killer by now.  And then he does something majorly stupid that made me wince to see — he leans back to look down at everyone.  Your balance is precarious enough and you can hear your cheering squad.  Stop that.

Kay is staring up at his brother and wisely saying nothing, just looking.  Leontes is also saying nothing but looking very nervous.  Merlin, on the other hand, is just looking batshit insane, something I should really program a macro for.  Arthur, on the other hand, is within two metres, if that much, of the sword itself.  Kay looks concerned and Merlin actually winces.  In fact, maybe I should just tell everyone to assume that Merlin looks insane, purpose-driven and cold-hearted, and when he displays any emotion, note that.

Arthur then does something as stupid as he's ever done, which is let go of all of his holds on the rock to leap for the sword.  I know that any sword in a waterfall is going to have lost all of its edge, but what exactly does he think he'll hold onto if … never mind.  I'm looking for logic where there is none.

Arthur starts moaning and groaning, trying to yank it out, and Merlin helpfully adds from the ground, "Concentrate, Arthur.  Strength and intelligence."  I'm pretty sure he is fairly focused, but thanks for the reminder.

And then Arthur remembers something odd, which is Merlin telling him, "Stop pulling at me and start pushing at yourself."  He stares at the sword with a moment of inspiration to him and then pushes it in and pulls it out, although I think it would have been hilarious if pushing it in only made the situation worse.  There is a brief moment of triumph on the soundtrack, which is then punctuated by the fact that Arthur was only holding onto the sword at the top of a gigantic waterfall.  He starts falling down the waterfall and hitting boulder after boulder as he goes.  That's gotta sting.

Merlin starts to get nervous, as if he couldn't have predicted this, and Leontes starts to run to the lake or pool or whatever it is that the waterfall feeds into.  In the first major historical inaccuracy of the series, Leontes starts swimming and grabs Arthur and the sword, probably because going diving after it later wouldn't mean as much for the onlooking crowd.  Traditionally, mædieval men of any sort of monied background — such as the background that would get them named a knight — never learnt how to swim, but it's important for the plot that Leontes knows, so here we go.  Leontes swims out with Arthur and the sword in his arms like a lifeguard.

Igraine, Kay and Ector all wade in, with Igraine screaming "Arthur!"  Arthur is unconscious and bloody and generally looks like he just fell off a cliff, but Merlin gives the okay that he's breathing in response to a frantic question from Igraine, and Merlin then adds to the totally unconscious, possibly comatose Arthur, "You did it, my boy."

Merlin is clearly done with Arthur for the moment and picks up the sword and wipes the algae or moss or whatever off of it, and leans over to someone off-screen, probably Leontes, and says, "Send the signal.  Light the beacon.  Tell everyone.  The new king has come."  Although it'd be hilarious if he was telling this to RandomPeasant.  Igraine turns her attention to Arthur with a, "Was this really necessary?" look.

Castle Pendragon.  Lot and Morgan stalk out together while the gates are opened.  Lot says in surprise, "It can't be true."  There's a bunch of what appear to be L.A.-style brushfires on each of the rocky moors, but I'll grant that in this case, they're the beacons.  Morgan, not surprisingly given her clear belief in the supernatural, says, "He has the sword of the gods!  People will fight for him!"  Lot yells, "You think I don't know that?"  Morgan gets shrewish and yells, "That's why he rode out this morning!  You underestimated him, you lazy cunt!"  And then she backhands him across the shoulder.  I don't think this'll go well for Morgan.

And indeed, Lot pushes through the crowd and grabs Morgan by the neck and yells, "Don't you talk to me like that!"  He hisses at Morgan, "We have an alliance, and my allies don't speak to me in that way."  Lot uses his boots to kick apart Morgan's legs and lifts the back of her dress to expose her legs to the upper thigh, and says, "I'm just going to teach you a lesson of state."  I assume that lesson, knowing Lot, is going to involve unlubricated buggery.  When did I walk into a showing of Oz?

Morgan proves she's smarter than most by smirking and saying loudly enough for everyone to hear, "That's right!  Show them how you control me!  Here!  However you want!.  Do it, assert your supremacy.  Then they'll see you're strong.  Do it!  Come on, I'm ready, do it!"  And Lot is being snickered at by half the courtyard at this point.  I don't think he'll like that.  Either Lot is having performance issues or is having a problem with being snickered at, because he drags Morgan off with the words, "I've got a better idea."

Back to Camelot, where Igraine is changing dressings on Arthur's head, and apparently he took a nasty blow to the back of the head, Ector is setting his broken arm … with padding of moss and tree branches?  OK, we're going native here, good to know.  Kay is helping and giving Merlin, who as per his usual is doing jack, a Look.  Merlin mildly says that everyone needs to rest, which is probably true.  Ector, who's lost one family member already this week due to Merlin's planning, and is worried that he'll lose a second, informs Merlin that they're not leaving him.  Merlin, still playing the mild rôle, points out that they're no good to him exhausted.  Merlin comes up with a practical plan for once, where he says everyone should sit with him in shifts, and then if he worsens, whoever's with him can wake all the others.

Igraine gives Merlin a look and says, "Do something, you have powers, fix this."  Igraine, he wouldn't save your husband when he was dying, why do you think he's going to prioritise your son any more?  Merlin shakes his head and says, "No."  Igraine is now beyond outraged and hisses, "Then what use are you?"  I've been asking that for a recap and a half.

Back to the moors near Castle Pendragon.  Morgan is tied to a stake with a sack over her head.  Lot is staring at her and probably wondering if he should get a shag in now.  Morgan takes one look around and starts to get worried.  Lot compliments her by saying, "You're a clever bitch, but you can't play me, woman."  Morgan goes into her princess mode by saying, "Release me."  Lot starts explaining that an alliance doesn't mean that he's whipped, and Morgan tries to redirect all this anger by turning the conversation to "Uther's bastard", and Lot wisely gestures for her to shut up.  Lot reminds her, "You need to think about the nature of our alliance, and where the true power lies."  True, he may have moved in with you on the first date, but he's the one with the knights and fighting power and all that, whereas Morgan has a castle, whatever money was left over after her father's death, and a few servants.  Lot leaves, saying, "I'll talk to you in the morning, unless the wolves get you first."  Based on the position of the sun in the sky, it's 2 p.m. at the latest, so Morgan has a long day ahead of her.

Camelot.  Igraine is touching her unconscious son's chest with some period-inappropriate nail polish on her hands.  Igraine is muttering nonsense at Arthur, the upshot of which is that she knows she's not his mother but she could be useful and teach him how a king acts and so on and so forth, and the camera pulls back to reveal Merlin eavesdropping.

The Moor Convenient To Castle Pendragon.  It's now nighttime, and the howling and moaning begins again.  Morgan says, "I searched for you, and you did not come."  Who is she talking to?  Who knows.  But the woods are moaning and groaning again, and the wind says, "He is wrong."  Her question is the same as mine, which is, "Who is?"  Seriously, people, fewer pronouns, more antecedents.  Instead, the wind repeats, "He is wrong.  He is wrong."

Camelot has Sir Ector practically reporting, "Well, he's no worse, which is something."  Merlin advises Sir Ector to rest as Merlin will take the watch until dawn.  Ector glares at Merlin and says, "I won't have any more death in my family, Merlin."  Interesting that the only person intelligent enough to blame Merlin for all this is Ector, but there's probably an argument that Igraine has seen him as an advisor for too long and Kay and Arthur are too young to be properly cynical about him.  I'm over thinking this.  Merlin tries to reply, "We did this so your wife's death would serve the cause."  That's so not the way to calm anyone down, and Ector proves that theory by saying, "I don't care about your cause.  My son's death far outweighs any plan that you might have."  Merlin nods slightly, and Ector leaves.

Arthur stirs and then wakes up abruptly as the light of the morning filters in.  And he tries to get up, but figures out that everything hurts.  Merlin mildly states, "Hello.  You had a fall."  I snicker, because this is the first time that Merlin's shown a sense of humour about his own agenda.  Arthur's hit to the head apparently wasn't as bad as it looked, since his first question is, "Did I do it?"  Merlin replies, again drawing a grin, "Do what?"  Arthur gives him a Look.  Merlin picks up the moss-covered, rusty sword and replies, "You did it.  You were extraordinary."  Well, if the ordinary thing to do when trying to pull it is die, then yes, he was definitely extraordinary in that sense.

Very carefully framed shot That Is Not Symbolic At All shows Arthur taking the hilt of the moss-covered sword.  Interestingly, they didn't choose to put the ring with the seal of Pendragon on this hand.  I can't figure out if that's also symbolic or simply an oversight.  Arthur sits up and starts laughing.

Back to the moors, where Morgan is asleep, still tied to the stake.  Lot wakes her and asks, "Do we understand each other now?"  I have no doubt that Morgan understands more about Lot, but probably not in the way he'd like.  However, when it comes to being tied to a stake, she has a sense of self-preservation and simply answers, "Yes."  Lot replies, "Good girl" and cuts the ropes, at which point she falls over.  He updates her with the news that people are rallying to Arthur, so he's going to ignore the "five dawns" bit and instead just attack today.

Merlin is dressing Arthur, and Arthur is reminding him to be careful, what with the broken arm and all.  Arthur starts to speculate and asks Merlin, "How did I do it when so many others had failed?"  Merlin's responding with some of his usual mumbo-jumbo, and Arthur grins for a second, and then remembers hearing Merlin's advice and then asks, "Wait, how did you know?"  And then he takes that one step further by saying, "Unless, you put the sword there.  You created the legend knowing that someday, someone would conquer it."  I think this is a bit far-fetched, even for Merlin — I mean, the entire population learnt of this as children, and how old is he meant to be?  Surely some crazy old coot who learnt it as a 4-year-old is older.  I could get behind "he used magic to make it happen" but I can't really get behind Arthur's reasoning.  Merlin points out that the sword's been there hundreds of years, and no one knows how long it's been there, but then Arthur says, "Except you."  Does Merlin have Carbon-14 dating among his abilities?  Merlin wisely points out, "You've had a bump on the head."

Ector, Kay and Igraine all rush into the room.  Ector tells him to stop whinging about his arm, Kay says Arthur didn't need him … except to pulley him up, but apparently everyone's forgotten about that.  Leontes apparently came in behind everyone and Arthur thanks him, although I didn't see anyone telling Arthur about who saved him from drowning.  Igraine just smiles at him.  And Merlin tells him it's time to go.

Arthur comes outside to an entire hallway full of people who were waiting for him to get dressed and come outside.  And then, he goes out to the courtyard or Great Hall or whatever it is, and Merlin says, "In the beginning was the Word.  And the word spread.  And the people came.  Now, we crown you."  I don't remember the beginning of the Gospel of John that way, but that's just me.

Arthur freaks about the crowning thing, and then sees Morgan trot into the courtyard.  Arthur is already properly sceptical about Morgan and asks, "What does she want?"  Merlin goes off to deal with her, which is the wisest course of action, because Arthur doesn't yet have one of those bony growths … oh, right, they're called spines.

Morgan advises Merlin of Lot's plans, and Merlin grabs Morgan by the arm and it … sizzles?  And then he sees a flashback to Morgan playing the Pendragon Witch Project and talking to the wolves while tied to a stake.  He looks shocked, which I guess is justified as most girls who go to convents for school don't get much of a background in witchcraft.

Merlin then stalks through a hall, with the barberknight quintet of Ulfius, Leontes, Brastias and Pellinor, giving orders about making sure the coronation comes off pronto.

Ector starts begging Arthur for the opportunity to be his champion so he can find Lot and kill him, which doesn't seem like a big favour to me, but before Arthur can say anything, Merlin starts walking around the throne with the Sword of Mars like he's Don King showing off a belt, except his hair is way better.  In fact, not only does Merlin start going off about the king of all Britons and sword of the gods and so on and so forth, he takes this rusty, moss-covered sword and points it at Arthur.  Merlin is one hell of a P.R. man, people.

Arthur then kneels in front of some sort of bishop, but I'm distracted by the bishop's outfit, since it looks like a losing entry on Project Runway.  And then, after taking his vows and panning across the cheering crowd, we see the "scullery girl", a.k.a. Fausse Morgan, from the previous episode.  Nice to know Morgan didn't go far in terms of wanting to see what happened.  She's also as sullen as ever.

Arthur then makes a fairly inspired political speech, including the line about how a country is nothing but a family.  Sure, a fairly twisted family.  But he does seem to be picking up on politicking rapidly.  He names Kay his steward and marshal, and his father and Leontes as his champions.  He then goes back to politicking, which pleases Merlin.  Fausse Morgan watches all this and gets seriously pissed off, but it's just clear through her eyes.

And then, it starts to all go to hell as Arthur sees the girl from the beach dancing with some other chick.  He finally chooses to exercise some royal privilege and asks, "So, what is your name?"  And she informs him, "It's Guinevere."  One of the downsides, as I've stated before, of recapping Arthurian legend is that you already know how everything's going to play out.  Arthur shows that his IQ drops 30 points when presented with gorgeous women by informing her, "I'm Arthur," in case she'd missed the coronation as well as his introduction to her a couple of days ago.

Arthur and Guinevere start flirting, heavy-duty, although frankly, no one expects anything else, and in fact, Merlin is glaring at Arthur from the shadows.  Igraine sits down for a bit of expository dialogue that explains that Arthur is twenty.  And to show off to Guinevere, this dumbass, whose balance is off what with the arm in a sling, climbs the wall of one of the ramparts and talks to Guinevere.  Leontes shows up and Arthur attempts to introduce Guinevere, which results in a prompt explanation on Leontes' part that, in fact, he and Guinevere are going to get married.  Now I'm totally picturing a Paris and Helen situation, and it ain't pretty.  Arthur managed to choke out that they're a lucky couple, which, frankly, I don't buy, and he quickly flees.  I should mention that Guinevere is wearing the most period-inappropriate dress I've ever seen, a one-shouldered thing with a strap that looks like a Slinky.  I'm not sure if the costuming department ran out of silk velvet or what.

Arthur gets clapped on the shoulder by one of his knights, but frankly, I can't tell whom.  I don't think it matters, anyway.  In fact, Arthur is in such an intense state of concentration that he can't hear a word anyone's saying to him, and he's scanning the crowd.  Sudden flashbacks to his mother's death as he matches faces.  Then, Arthur screams, "They're already here!" which, um, didn't Morgan already warn about this?  I mean, I'm no covert operative, but I'd think one of the best times to sneak in would be a gigantic party where everyone from miles around was invited.

There is a gigantic mêlée where I'm surprised that no one manages to stab Arthur, it's that disorganised.  They try to form a phalanx protecting Arthur, but even I, with minimal training in tactics, can tell them that's not going to work with their puny target shields and short swords.  Lot comes in, undisguised — either he was disguised and threw it off, or was simply too lofty to wear a disguise in the first place.  Anyway, he's slaughtering Arthur's guests, something I have to assume is not going to make Arthur more popular.

Somehow, Arthur's gotten a sword, which makes no sense if they're trying to protect him.  Lot is staring at the kid with open lust for blood in his eyes.  Damn, Purefoy is a good actor.  Sir Ector has a standoff with Lot, who frankly tells him, "Out of my way and you live."  Ector is twenty kinds of pissed off and says, "Do you know who I am?"  Lot, having not been personally in charge of the kidnapping of Sir Ector's wife, not only doesn't recognise him, but says frankly, "I don't care who you are."  Although I know there's no way for Lot to know any of this, I want to warn him on an impersonal level that you never face down someone who has nothing to lose.

Lot continues to be oblivious and amusing when Ector hisses, "I'm the man whose wife you killed."  Lot shrugs and says, "And?"  I have to say that there's no way that Lot would understand valuing a wife, keeping track of whom you killed, or basically anything that Sir Ector stands for, and oh, look, I just figured out what the directors were doing with this stand-off.  Although I'd like to point out to Ector that he has two sons who might be upset if their da kicked over the traces.

I'm recapping this standoff in more detail than usual because I find it amusing that Ector then says, "Tell me her name."  Look, the lady never got a name, in centuries upon centuries of writing about King Arthur, and I have to assume it was a deliberate in-joke of the writers to have Lot answer, "What?"  Lot and Ector taunt each other some more and then get into a sword fight that Ector loses by a wide margin, but makes up for by getting impaled by Lot and then walking forward on the pike that impales him until he can get in close enough to stab Lot in the neck.

Ector's sons run to the hallway about five seconds too late and start sobbing over the body of their father, which is, again, the second parent they've had die in a less-than-two-week period.  Merlin shows up and displays his usual sensitivity by saying, "Drag his body into the courtyard.  Make sure everyone knows that King Lot has been vanquished."  Somehow, Ector is still alive enough to share a few last words with his sons.

An undisguised Morgan picks up Arthur's crown in a central room in which he was crowned and which now appears to be an abattoir.  She sets it down on a convenient stump (in a stone room?) and then sits in the throne which Arthur was given but never sat in.  Merlin looks up and sees this, and I'm surprised he doesn't go berserker on her.  Morgan begins quietly saying, "I tried an alliance with a man, but he was wrong.  Men are not my way to this.  I'll find another way to take it."  Merlin glares at her with complete disgust, what with the forty or so bodies littering the room.  Arthur looks at her and asks, "Why do you need to take it at all?"  Let's see, money, power, daddy issues.

Arthur, in his usual cluelessness, goes on to say, "I'm placing your castle under my protection from now on."  I have to ask something fundamentally American here.  You, and what army?  He goes on to say, "In gratitude for your warning."  He kneels in front of her, saying, "We don't need to be opposed."  In Arthur's opinion, maybe, but in Morgan's opinion, oh, yes, they do.  And Morgan sums this up by saying, "For you, this is nothing.  For me, it's everything."  She gets up to leave, and I should point out for the record that her dress has two sleeves.

Merlin starts quizzing her on her descent into witchcraft, and advises her to cut it out.  And given that the next scene involves her wandering back out into the woods near Castle Pendragon, I have to think that he should have anticipated her ignoring it.

Morgan's talking to the trees again and now talking to a wolf and … getting naked?  I'm pretty sure cross-species boundaries are going to keep the wolf from being interested, even though she's gorgeous naked.  And her last words are, "Tell me what I have to do."