Camelot — Episode 3 — Guinevere

Previouslys — Arthur pulling the sword from the waterfall, and then grasping the moss-covered hilt of the sword.  Merlin yelling, "I present to you, your undoubted king."  Arthur getting crowned by the bishop.  Arthur naming Leontes his champion.  Arthur seeing Guinevere come up the beach.  Arthur introducing Leontes to Guinevere, and learning that Guinevere and Leontes are actually engaged to each other.  Morgan stating, "I'm Uther's daughter and sole heir.  His castle and realm shall be mine."  Arthur pleading with her for them not to be opposed, Morgan informing him that to her, this means everything.

Credits.

We open up on a group of six horsemen staring down at what appears to be a Little-House-on-the-Prairie schoolhouse on the next hill.  It doesn't look very imposing to me.  One of the horsemen states, "No more than six guards.  Paltry defences.  It's perfect!"  Another, I think, replies, "These are easy pickings."

Inside, which since no one else in the episode deigned to fill in, I'll fill in as Cameliard, Guinevere is whinging, "I don't understand the rush to get married," to her handmaiden, Bridget (who has absolutely no precedence in any literature).  Bridget practically replies, "You've been sweethearts since you were children, engaged for five years … I don't call that a rush."  Seriously, girlfriend.  Even though a five-year-engagement would likely put her at no older than 16 or so given that it's the Iron Age, it's still plenty of time to come to terms with it.

Guinevere goes back to her totally era-inappropriate questions with asking, "Bridget, what if he isn't the one?"  Bridget looks at her with exasperation and says, "You're getting married in three days.  You're just having a wobble."  I have to say, that's about right.  Hell, I had to hold people back from my running away 30 minutes before my wedding, and that was to someone I chose.  I agree with Bridget's diagnosis, although she doesn't know about Guinevere's recent infatuation with Twilight boy.  Bridget goes on to explain to her, "Good men aren't just rare right now, they're practically non-existent."  So when did I walk into Sex and the City?  Bridget continues, "Leontes is young, good-looking and the King's champion, for goodness' sake!  He's a good union and he'll protect your father's land, and most of all, he's the one your mother always wanted for you."  I'd challenge the good-looking part, although maybe he just needs some cleaning up.  Also, that last sentence is not very persuasive when it comes to overly romantic teen-aged girls.  Guinevere gives a mushy stare back at Bridget and says, "I told Leontes, wherever we go, I want you with me."  Well, that's sweet, until she continues, "You're not just my cousin, you're my closest friend."

Guinevere's father, whom they also don't bother to name (King Leodegrance), then bursts in and Guinevere reacts in yet another totally-period-inappropriate way with a, "Father, do you mind?"  He picks his idiotic daughter up by the shoulders and says, "We must leave here.  We're being attacked."  Bridget, who is far more with the programme, runs to grab her cloak and then starts running out the door.

Those charming guys from the opening scene are lighting fires and checking out the loot in the courtyard.  Guinevere yells, "Father, stop them!  We can't just let them do this!"  Girl, just make an escape while you can.  King Leodegrance practically replies, "This is no time to argue."  So, of course, she takes the fight to the nearest brigand and yells at him to put those things down.  Between her golden crown and her slender body, she's lucky the guy just starts shoving her around rather than calling everyone in for a gang rape, but Bridget still has to go to her rescue.

King Leodegrance and Bridget manage to coerce her onto a horse,  which brings up another point that bothers my pedantic mind — why are all of these women of noble descent riding astride?  A quick visit to Wikipedia informs me that a side-saddle is dated to the 14th century or so, so I guess it's more-or-less legit.

Camelot.  Arthur wanders into the main hall and asks, "What are all these people doing here?  What do they want?"  Merlin slyly answers, "Favours from the new king."  We've already covered that the kid has no money and almost no means of survival, so how is he meant to grant favours?  Not only does the king have to deal with a bunch of early mediæval equivalents of three-card monte players, he also has to deal with chickens, geese and goats all over the courtyard, to the point he nearly trips on a goose.  Hilariously, one of the petitioners starts asking Kay, "Your Highness …" and even Arthur can't help smiling as Kay answers, "Wrong brother."

Merlin cheerfully tells him, "The word has spread.  The people are flocking."  Along with their livestock and their never-ending woes that they expect this 20-year-old boy with no knowledge of governance to fix.  What exactly can this kid do for people who are already pushing their luck, what with living through plagues, invasions, contaminated well-water, and who knows what else?  I mean, you have a bunch of people who move into a ruined keep just because of proximity of power, that's something that even an entire cadre of social workers and physicians couldn't even begin to deal with.  The entire place resembles a refugee camp, in fact, and it takes Merlin's sheer gall to make this a net positive.  In fact, the sheer nerve of Merlin is reflected in his last statement on the topic.  "It's good!"

Leontes is waiting in the wings, providentially avoiding anyone who might catch on that he knows the new king, and has a look on his face that makes Arthur reply, "Leontes, what's wrong?"  Arthur, Kay and Merlin follow Leontes down a hallway and some stairs, and … hell, no one's ever going to draw a diagram of Camelot that works for me, so I'll just say "somewhere else".  Anyway, it's remote enough that no one has cleared away any of the vines on it, although there's a Pendragon banner.  Arthur looks like he's been gut-punched when he sees Guinevere and Bridget.  Merlin takes the look on his face and indexes it away for future reference.

Arthur walks up to Leontes et al. and asks, "What's happened?"  King Leodegrance answers, "Bandits attacked us, Your Highness.  They took everything.  We can't go back there, it's not safe."  Never mind that all three of you escaped alive, and unless there's a scene that hit the cutting-room floor, both Guinevere and Bridget avoided rapine.  But I agree with you on the lack of available sanctuary.  And in fact, Leontes asks, "Can we give them sanctuary here?  Find them rooms?  I'll vouch for them."

Merlin stomps on that with, "No.  This is not a lodge."  Leontes somehow takes this lying down and says, "Of course."  Arthur exercises a little royal prerogative and says, "You can choose whatever room you'd like.  It won't be comfortable, but you'll be safe here."  Merlin glares at him while Guinevere thanks him.

King Leodegrance stomps on Leontes by saying, "But there'll be no wedding now.  Just when she most needed your protection …"  Merlin quickly interrupts, "You're to be married?"  Leontes answers, "In three days."  Merlin says, "Then it must be here!"  Joseph Fiennes gets into his most diabolical acting mode by having a quick argument with Arthur about the wedding, at which Arthur points out that he didn't want them to stay, and Merlin quickly answers, "Oh, I changed my mind.  Nothing says hope like a wedding.  Marriage of the King's Champion.  A perfect symbol … unless you object, Your Highness."  Merlin's painted him into a corner, and Arthur pretty much has no option but the one he takes, which is to say, "No, of course not."  Leontes thanks him.  Though I don't totally get it.  Isn't the person whose permission is needed is Leodegrance's?  Also, it isn't like you confirmed numbers with a caterer.  You can definitely wait a couple more days.  In fact, Merlin has the sheer gall to go and glad-hand Leodegrance and say, "Your daughter and Leontes shall marry here at Camelot."  Leodegrance looks somewhat ambivalent but answers, "You're very kind."  Arthur looks like he's having a panic attack, and I hate to tell him that it's over a millennium before Xanax will be invented.

Castle Pendragon.  Morgan is striding through the hallways, with two men-at-arms trailing her.  Interestingly, this is the first time we haven't seen her in something tight, fitted, or otherwise designed to be sexy material for Eva Green.  It doesn't matter because nothing can hide her body, but it's an interesting choice from the costuming department.  She stares at a door and tells her armsmen to break the lock of a door.

They walk into a room that clearly predates the Spanish Inquisition in a thoughtful and considered manner.  I can't even identify half the implements, and I'm a historian who's studied the Inquisition.  All I can identify are a bunch of manacles.  Apparently, Uther was keen on his prisoners having someone handy to talk to, since I see at least four sets.  The men-at-arms keep their mouths shut as Morgan imperiously asks if they brought prisoners there.  A woman who's offscreen answers, "Not just prisoners."  Moreover, she answers it with an interesting accent.  She clarifies, "Anyone who crossed him."  Also, she's also black, which makes me think about the apparently equal opportunity policy for everyone living in Britain at the time.

Morgan dismisses the two unhelpful men-at-arms and inquires after the woman's name.  "Vivian."  Morgan enquires if Vivian's previous employment was under her father.  I'm not sure where the hell she would have come from if she hadn't been.  Morgan then checks out the really kick-ass henna designs that Vivian is wearing on her forehead and cheeks.  I'm not sure if they're meant to be tattoos or they're just henna.  Morgan explains that her family were enslaved by Romans and were staying in Britain after the Romans left, and that the markings are from where they originated, although I have to wonder how well they passed on their traditions after a few centuries.  Well, it's probably not as inaccurate as a white girl with a kanji tattoo.

Morgan then asks, "What did you think of Uther?"  Vivian circumspectly replies, "I respected your father."  Morgan asks, "Did you like him?  Did you fear him?"  Vivian cements her opinion by saying, "I respected your father."  Morgan respects her nerve and starts to play with the manacles, giving Vivian some orders.  "Go through the staff.  Everyone you trust, keep.  Anyone you don't, get rid of."  Morgan goes on to say, "This castle needs new air.  More women would be good.  But first, have this room cleared, except for those."  This indicates a single pair of manacles.  Also, how the hell does she expect to find more women?  I can see more women servants, but does she really expect to find women warriors?  They can't be that common in the Iron Age.

Camelot.  Igraine is leading her way through Camelot, explaining to Guinevere and Bridget that the chambers are in a "poor state now."  That's one way to put it.  It looks like the vines are about to eat someone.  "They'll just take a little work to improve them."  And, to be fair, there are some beautiful frescos painted on the walls.  Igraine opens a single pair of shutters, like being able to get brighter light in there is going to help anyone at all.  Bridget says, "Forgive me for asking, but where are all the servants?"  I'm guessing she's not going to like the answer.  Guinevere adds, "Who do we talk to about the preparations?"  Igraine stares at both of them, and can only manage an, "Oh, well, there aren't exactly any …"  Bridget catches on and says, "Just us, then."  Igraine gives a reasonably subtle nod.  Bridget says, "Right."  And adding a sunny smile, she says, "Good!"  You can tell that's not what she's thinking at all.  As they start trying to clean the place up of Roman-era relics, Igraine informs her that Leontes is an excellent match, and Bridget says, "That's what I try to keep telling her."  Guinevere says in a dead voice, "I know, I couldn't ask for anyone better."  She's not really good at this convincing bit.

Igraine beckons Guinevere to her, and asks, "Do you love him?"  Guinevere is flabbergasted by the direct nature of this question and says, "I'm not even sure I know what that word means."  Igraine reassures her that she was the same way.  "And with luck, in a bit of time, you might fall in love with him."  Right, the way you fell in love with the man who raped you and allowed your child to be ripped from your arms.  "And if you don't, before you know it, he'll give you children, and you'll love them."  Spoken by the woman who didn't see her child from the week after he was born until he was twenty and was otherwise barren.  Guinevere only looks more depressed, not that I can blame her.  Igraine tries to be reassuring and cups her face, while Guinevere looks like she's about to cry.  That's kind of the opposite of a pep talk, Igraine.

Leontes and Kay are in the courtyard, Leontes being totally oblivious to how much his bride is not excited about this upcoming union.  Given that she was betrothed to him for the purpose of protecting her home, and that hasn't come off, why can't they just postpone things?  Oh, right.  Handy Subplot.  Kay comments on the local warriors, "Hardly an army fit for a king."  They're working for no cash whatsoever, and you're bitching about their quality?  Come on, Kay.  Leontes points out they lost a lot of good men during the fight with Lot.  Well, hell, given that you guys never practised together, you're damn lucky you didn't lose everybody from the look of that mêlée.  Kay has been listening to Merlin too long because he says, "Sooner or later, others are going to come."  Right, in a land where you can make a perfectly good living as a mercenary or a guard to someone with money, you're going to go serve a new king who might last all of two months for free.  Kay wisely points out that right now, they're vulnerable.  True, I see about six guys in the courtyard making spears and sharpening swords.  Leontes suggests Next Handy Subplot, which is to recruit an exceptional warrior to boost their morale.  True, and bring up their fighting force to nine or so.  Kay asks if he has anyone in mind.  "Maybe.  Gawain."  He apparently wanted nothing to do with Uther.  Kay practically asks, "What makes you think we'll get him this time?"  Leontes has also been listening to Merlin for too long because he says, "This is different."

They turn around to see Vivian coming in on a horse.  She has a message for the king.  Next scene, she's walking up to Arthur, escorted by Brastias.  She informs him that his sister and ally wants to have a feast in his honour.  Ally?  Interesting way to put it.  Merlin immediately goes into his threatening mode and starts circling Vivian, saying, "Such hospitality."  Arthur jumps in and says, "Then we accept.  We ride out immediately."  Merlin is going to be so pissed about this.  In fact, as soon as Vivian turns and leaves, Merlin leans in and whispers, "You don't accept anything without conferring with me."  Arthur retorts with, "I'm the king, and I made a decision."  Merlin points out that there's enough to do with Camelot.  And Arthur glares at him and says, "Like hosting a wedding?"  Dude, if Merlin didn't have your number before, he's definitely got it now.  Arthur goes on to say, "Morgan's my sister.  I want to get to know her better.  If I can't unite my own family, how am I going to unite the country?"  Well, given who Morgan is, I can think of a million things wrong with that logic.

Kay and Leontes take off from Camelot and start riding across a gorgeous landscape shot … which cuts to Merlin and Arthur riding a wooded path and about to take a break.  Interesting editing choice.  Works, though.  As they dismount at something that looks like a particularly nature-friendly rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike, Merlin starts beating the dead horse (metaphorically) with saying, "I've seen how you look at her.  Guinevere."  Arthur answers pointedly, "Leontes' Guinevere."  Merlin points out that Arthur dreamt of her.  True, before even meeting her.  I mean, seriously, Merlin is not only trying to cock-block his king, he's also a major buzzkill.  Merlin then goes into a long accounting of every time that Arthur and Guinevere have seen each other, although Arthur denies the meeting on the beach.  Merlin concludes, "She belongs to Leontes."  As usual, Arthur can be fairly easily baited, and starts going off about how no one belongs to anyone.  After some arguing, Merlin informs him, "Everything you are, right now, is because of me."  Interesting reasoning, because it very carefully does not mention the fact that Arthur could probably walk away and make a more-or-less unsucky life for himself as a king of the Britons, but rather discusses past debts.  Clever of Merlin, but then, when do we expect otherwise?

Castle Pendragon.  Arthur and Merlin ride up to the gates.  Interestingly for Arthur, the Pendragon standard is flown here.  I have to wonder if he intends to have a brief sit-down with Morgan over this, or he's just ignoring it.  Security's gotten no better, though, since the gates are opened immediately without anyone checking them out.  Morgan waits for him, and as he approaches, says, "Your Highness, I'm honoured." and kneels.  Interestingly, Arthur leaves her there for a few seconds, even though you know she's counting the seconds and getting more resentful for each one.  They walk into the throne room of Castle Pendragon and Merlin comments, "You've made changes."  True, there are now guards over the … hearth?  And velvet draperies everywhere.  Morgan explains it as, "It needed a woman's touch."  Morgan suggests/orders that they rest before dinner, and turns Arthur over to Vivian.  She turns on Merlin and says, "Merlin?  You're with me."  I'm sure he's not keen on this.  We get a trademarked Joseph Finnes Extra Crazy look.

Morgan and Merlin start walking down a hallway, where she thanks him for accepting her invitation, and he makes it clear he wasn't involved in any way.  "Can't let the boy out of your sight?"  "It's my job to protect him."  Merlin asks, "You've abandoned your claim to the crown entirely?"  Morgan responses by opening some chamber doors and letting Merlin into his old chamber, from "when he was Uther's lackey".

Next scene, Arthur, Morgan and Merlin are sitting down for dinner, which involves a lot of expensive foods and also, apparently, a swordfish hanging from the ceiling, to give it that real nouveau seafood restaurant ambiance.  Arthur, continuing to be clueless, asks Merlin, "Why don't we have meals like this?"  Given that the only course named is quail soup, I can give you a one-word answer, Arthur: m-o-n-e-y.  Where the hell Morgan is getting her money, at the rate she's spending it, is beyond my knowledge.  Merlin gives the food a disdainful sniff, and visually discourages Arthur from eating it.  Morgan, getting the point, takes a spoonful from Arthur's bowl and pretends to be poisoned.  Arthur and Morgan laugh. Merlin doesn't.  Morgan ignores this and goes on to ask, "What are you going to do with the crown?"  Arthur thoughtfully says, "That's a good question."  Morgan replies, "Well, dazzle me with a good answer."  Arthur replies, "The first duty of a man and of a king is the seeking after and investigation of truth."  Merlin is reciting along for the last few words, and Morgan answers with "Cicero".  I have a slight problem with this because unless you quote the original Latin (which I haven't looked up because I accidentally forgot to care), there's no universal English translation, and secondly, Morgan had a woman's education which always excluded Greek and Latin.  I guess it's possible that Morgan's education was more multi-dimensional, given that witchcraft was among her talents.  I digress.

Anyway, Arthur quotes Cicero, Morgan appreciates it, Merlin appreciates his good judgement in sending Arthur to Ector instead of Uther, who seems, by description, to be just ahead of Lot by one step in the killing and whoring department.  Morgan then practically asks, "How do you apply that principle in practise?"  Which is fair.  How does seeking after and investigating the truth apply to leadership, exactly?  Arthur replies candidly but not cannily, "Before I make too many decisions, I must get to know my kingdom and its people."  Morgan nods sagely and says, "And they must get to know you."  Provided you don't take the opportunity to poison him first, Morgan.  Merlin stares him down, although I see no real reason for either side to be pissed off.  And, scene.

Arthur's sleeping half-naked in a chamber lit by candles.  His sister is watching him sleep.  This isn't creepy at all.  He says he had a lot to eat and drink and can't promise he'll be awake for her for long.  She says, "Men seldom are." to just continue this strange-borderline-incestuous theme that's in a holding pattern over this scene.  Arthur enquires if this is his father's chambers, which she answers in the affirmative, although she doesn't add that he died in this room after she poisoned him.  Less being more in the way of information.  He asks Morgan about Daddy Dearest, and she replies, "He was a great warrior.  He could be kind.  But he could also be cruel.  Extremely cruel."  Well, given that we never saw the "kind", and Merlin himself called him a barbarian, I have to assume they had a model father-daughter relationship … if the daughter was Sylvia Plath.

Arthur says that his arrival was "difficult" for Morgan … maybe some British tones are showing up with the level of understatement here, and he shows how naïf he is by saying, "I'm glad we could start again tonight."  Kid, tonight was a feint and a reconnaissance mission, it wasn't actually … never mind.  Morgan comments that she doesn't know anything about Arthur, and he offers, "Ask me anything."  She peers at him carefully while seeming casual.  Excellent work on the part of Eva Green.  They ascertain that he never knew he was the son of a king before Merlin showed up, leading Morgan to internally curse Merlin some more.  Morgan then says, "Well, what do you hope for?  What's in there?" and pokes at "there" in such a way as to draw blood across his chest, although she passes it off as an accident.  She checks her ring for blood and then gets overly apologetic and addresses him as "Your Highness", and he says, "Just Arthur."  This kid is so in over his head.

The next scene, we hear Kay and Leontes before we see them, talking about this "fearless warrior" they're going to recruit, while their goal is an abandoned, "burnt-out church" that seems to be lit by two torches.  They turn their horses loose, which is kind of funny if the horses were like, "Catch ya later" and wandered off.  They enter something that appears to be a small-scale version of the monastery from The Name of the Rose.  Kay offers a timid, "Hello?" and, for his troubles, gets slammed into the wall and faced with a warrior who uses two swords very, very, very well.  He'd get beheaded for his trouble if it weren't for Leontes coming up behind him with a sword and growling, "Your king requires your service."  Gawain says, accurately, "I don't recognise any king."  And, really, between King Uther, King Lot, King Nentes, King Leodegrance, and God alone knows who else, I wouldn't really taken a side, and just let them do their own thing.  Not really relevant.

Leontes continues with his really foolish line of reasoning by saying, "Your king recognises you.  And he demands your loyalty."  Leontes, the man ain't interested.  Do you magically think he'll get interested?  And he says, "I've told you before, I'm not interested in serving Uther."  Kay starts taunting him, which may be the best way to handle this.  Leontes informs him that Camelot has as many men as good as Gawain, and he hilariously retorts, "Who's Camelot?"  It's about time that this show recognised that not everyone memorised the name of Roman-era ruins just for the fun of it.  They clarify that it's a place, and Kay says, "That's where my brother, King Arthur, rules the country."  Gawain points out that Arthur doesn't rule his bit of the country.

In fact, Gawain is providing the same snark I provided.  Leontes says, "He's from Uther's bloodline."  "Well, that's nothing to be proud of."  Leontes tries again with, "He pulled the sword of Mars from the waterfall."  Gawain retorts, "What do you want me to do, cheer?"  Kay adds, "He vanquished King Lot."  Well, no, Kay, your father vanquished King Lot, but hey, it ain't like Sir Ector is going to rise from the grave and correct him.  Although that would be a cool twist.  Gawain actually pauses at this and says, "Lot's dead.  So what do you want with me?"  Actually, probably an excellent assessment on Gawain's part.  Lot and Uther were locked in permanent battle, so presumably anyone who can claim Uther's knights is pretty much okay now.  They could point out that there's all of 8 guys fighting for Arthur, but that doesn't really seem like a recruiting tactic.  Leontes says, "We need a strong warrior to return with us, and help train others."  I thought that they just said they had warriors as good as Gawain, but Gawain doesn't leap on this.  Gawain informs them that they're wasting their time.  And then he demands money if they're going to sleep there tonight.

Interestingly, for the first time, Leontes shows actual personality.  He points up at the remains of the ruined church and says, "This is the Lord's dwelling."  And he pulls out his cross from under his armour and says, "This grants me access."  Given how dull the lines given Leontes have been, Philip Winchester may actually have some hope here.  Gawain grudgingly agrees, but informs them they leave at first light.

Back to Castle Pendragon, where Arthur continues to dream about Guinevere being naked and on top of him.  And Jesus, this chick has no tits at all.  He wakes up and gets dressed.  Elsewhere, Merlin and Morgan are examining the skull of a stag that appears to take up about half a wall of the great hall of Pendragon.  Merlin begins saying things that aren't symbolic at all, such as, "The wounded deer jumps highest.  And strives the hardest."  Joseph Fiennes in back in total psychotic mode, which is kind of how I like him.  Morgan gets the subtext and says, "I'm not a wounded deer, Merlin."

Morgan then invites Merlin for a drink, and then Morgan asks if Merlin remembers her as a child.  He briefly replies no, which is just outright rude, you know?  Uther was his patron, you'd think he'd've noticed the daughter.  Also, it's an obvious lie, since he's been talking about Morgan to Arthur since the first episode.  She admits to having a childhood crush on him, and says that she told Uther that when she grew up, she'd marry Merlin.  So, not only does Morgan have unresolved daddy issues, she also has unresolved Merlin issues.  Uther apparently retorted, "Marry Merlin, and everything will be yours, except your soul."  First, I doubt Uther took notice of his daughter long enough to say that, and secondly, given the way she huskily whispers it out while staring at him, I have a feeling that she's got a seduction plan in mind.  Merlin is drunk enough to laugh at this, and claims it's a little harsh.  And then Merlin tries to get up and falls over.  Morgan climbs on top of him, and it's that moment that the camera pulls back to show Arthur watching.

And … Arthur decides to leave.  I don't know if he just doesn't want to compromise Merlin's game, or he's sick of Merlin's bullshit.

The camera changes to Merlin's point of view, which is all wavering and he grabs Morgan by the neck, and I can't tell if he wants to strangle her or shag her, and I get the feeling that he doesn't know either.  Merlin's telepathic-once-I-touch-you-I-know thing shows up and he sees flashbacks of Morgan preparing poison for her father and watching him die.  Merlin sits up a bit and says, "It was you.  I should have known."  I don't know why.  She'd been away at school for fifteen years, so it's not exactly like he should have known the minute she set foot in Britain, let alone that she was there, planning to poison Uther, or anything else.  He then starts staggering and saying, "The wine."  I'm pretty sure we can figure out how he got drugged, but this show doesn't leave a lot to the imagination.  He collapses on top of something that's either a 1970s shag rug or a feather boa.

Camelot.  Bridget and Guinevere are sleeping on pads of sheepskin right next to each other.  Arthur sneaks into the room, at which point Guinevere immediately awakens.  Bridget conveniently stays asleep.  Guinevere has this look of lust and anxiety on her face.  Arthur and Guinevere exchange a few anguished words, and he informs her, "Tell me you're not thinking of me and I'll leave you alone."  Well, we already know she has no love for Leontes and enjoys flirting with Arthur, so … yeah.  He informs her he'll be at the beach, and informs her that he'll wait for her.

We wake up in Castle Pendragon, where Merlin is still half-drugged, but getting a pedicure from Morgan.  And boy, does he need it.  And he finds out he's shackled to the bed.  I don't get his problem — if I awakened shackled to the bed in this situation, I'd probably not be yelling, "Get off me!" the way that Merlin is.  Morgan retorts, "Do you always wake in such a bad mood?"  As she starts her way back to the end of the bed, he starts hollering for Arthur.  She apparently gave him a shave and a pedicure before he awakened.  Merlin asks why he's being held, and Morgan answers that she's worried for her brother, as she continues to work at a table.  Given Merlin's history, this is totally reasonable.

Merlin's starts taking her to task for poisoning her father.  Morgan correctly states that he didn't deserve to be called a father, which, if he backhanded her as a way of saying "Welcome home, darling!" is not by any means wrong.  And she says, "Fathers don't do to their daughters what Uther did to me."  Merlin inquires after what, exactly, Uther did.  Morgan growls, "He made me strong."  I think the whole physical abuse / exile from the country thing might be a stronger argument, but to each her own.

Merlin stares her down and says, "This power you've learnt … that doesn't make you strong."  Also, the subtext of these-two-really-need-to-shag-already is very strong here.  Merlin informs her that the power costs something and will hurt her, and she's more vulnerable now than she's ever been.  She points out that she's not the one who's tied up.  Merlin asks, "You think I can't free myself?"  Morgan said, "Then do it."  And honestly, I agree with Morgan's attitude.  It's like seeing a card trick — great, awesome, so try doing it with a pack of cards that we just opened for you.  And he says, "I don't perform tricks."  Given how you've been grafted to Arthur's side, I'm thinking that a simple slipping of a buckle and you'd be home free.

They argue like a married couple for a few more minutes, and he finally demands to see what she can do.  Morgan starts going into what initially look like abdominal cramps and then appear to be circus contortions, and then goes into what appears to be an orgasm, but at the end, she's Fausse Morgan again.  She comes up from the end of the bed as Fausse Morgan, and Merlin says, "That's you as a child."  Wait, so do you remember her when she was younger or not?  I'm totally lost here, Merlin.  Morgan then wakes up, bleeding from the ears, Siren-style.  Merlin then demands to be released and starts screaming at her to do it.

Unsurprisingly, Guinevere is walking down the beach in a gigantic robe, and a green version of her bathing dress.  You knew she couldn't tolerate the siren call of Twilight boy.  Interestingly, even though Arthur is hiding in a cavelet, she knows where to find him.  And the first words out of his mouth are, "Don't marry him."  And then, they have dialogue so bad and melodramatic that there's no way for any actors to redeem it, in which they establish that there was some emotional connection between them at the coronation.  She does ask if his demand that she not marry was a royal order or the actions of someone who's only met her twice in her life and arbitrarily decided to order her about.  OK, fair point.  He then counters with, "If you don't feel this way, why did you come?"  She looks totally lost and says, completely unconvincingly, that she wants him to stop.

And, God, we go through even more trite dialogue, which we all know is a prologue to shagging.  It's not even a spoiler.  It's the parrying that goes down when two people who aren't supposed to shag want to shag.  It's as realistic and melodramatic as it was when you were in high school or college, particularly if it was with your roommate's current boyfriend or girlfriend.  It's the coy "please stop" stuff when the real meaning is, "Convince me again so we can keep on going."  Character-wise, though, this is the Arthur we saw at the beginning of the first episode, seducing Kay's girlfriend.

In fact, her line of reasoning goes, "No.  Maybe." and then immediately begins to kiss Arthur, and then says, "Yes."  OK, they're all about this, but I already knew that.  And frankly, this is good for her.  Because you know Leontes doesn't have any game.  And she coquettishly stops the entire thing a few times while he's undressing, and Arthur, to his credit, is into foreplay.  And he's actually sensitive enough to stop when she's crying and ask, "Why are you crying?"  And she replies, "Because I want this."  Well, no kidding.  This is probably the only orgasm you'll have for months, if not years, given what I already perceive of Leontes.  As they get into it, Guinevere is moaning, "Just once.  Just once."  Uh-huh, honey.  Keep telling yourself that.  In fact, as they're making out, she appears to have had an orgasm already.

Back in Gawain's ruined church, Kay is rummaging through Gawain's stuff, which is very … unlike Kay.  In fact, of Arthur's knights, I can't think of anyone wise enough to do that to get a handle on someone's personality.  Although I guess it's a millennium too early to rummage through someone's medicine cabinet to find out if they're on Prozac or need Cialis.  Gawain catches him and tells him to get the fuck out.  Kay deflects this and points out that the book he was just holding was Marcus Aurelius.  Gawain asks if Kay's read it, which he has, and comments that Marcus Aurelius was "one of the great philosopher kings".  (It's also a bitch to Google his works ever since Gladiator came out.  Nice to see where our cultural priorities are these days.)  Gawain admits to struggling a little.  Well, no kidding.  Marcus Aurelius wrote in Greek, and this isn't exactly a time and place where he can hire a tutor to help him.  Kay kindly asks where Gawain is up to, and Gawain points to what appears to be the third page of this book about the size of a hand.  It's A8-sized paper at most.

Kay begins sight-translating from the Meditations.  "From the reputation and remembrance of my father, I learnt modesty and a manly character."  Then he skips what must have been many pages in that tiny book — not that we're shown this — and goes on to, "From my brother Severus, I learnt to love my kin, and to love truth and justice."  Gawain comments, "You're very good.  Who taught you?"  Kay quietly says that it was his father.  I'm consistently impressed with Kay's ability to show grief about his parents without ever letting it overwhelm him or become a major feature of his personality, and it's a nice choice of the director or actor to pursue this.  Kay looks up and asks, "What about you?"  Gawain answers, "I'm teaching myself."  Kay then kind of twists the knife and asks, "That's quite a task.  So why bother?"  I'm not really sure what this line of dialogue is about here.  Gawain answers, "To be better."

Kay and Leontes give each other an ambiguous look, and Kay starts to walk out of the chamber and said, "You were right about him.  He'd be perfect, if only he knew it."  Kay is way better at this agent provocateur business than Leontes could ever pray to be.  The next scene shows them mounted on horses, starting to travel back to Camelot.  And, as can be expected, Gawain comes out after them and said, "If I did come, one condition.  Teach me how to read this book."  You know, most people don't actually agree to swear fealty in exchange for language tutoring.  Kay smiles at him and informs him, "By the time we're finished at Camelot, you'll be ready to write a book."  Yeah, but a book in Koine Greek?  Gawain then happily runs off to pack.  Like everyone on this show, he seems capable of living out of one saddlebag for approximately forever, so I don't anticipate this taking very long.

Camelot's Beach o' Love.  Guinevere is saying, "It's over.  This was it.  The once."  I was once a teen-aged girl myself, so I can provide a handy translation.  Translation:  "It's not over."  Also, I seriously doubt that Arthur and Guinevere only went once.  He's only 20 years old.  I remember 20-year-old men.  It wasn't just once.  Although, assuming that she's a virgin, she may not know.  Guinevere goes on with, "Now, we must never talk of it.  He must never know."  And the pillow-talk kick-to-the-groin, "I have to get ready for my wedding."  Arthur's reaction is to sigh and lie down.  GIrl doesn't know it, but she's lucky he isn't asleep already.

And to underline the whole wedding-planning theme, Igraine is directing the decoration of Camelot's great hall, and suddenly Camelot has solid flooring, room to put up canopies, floral streamers, and the wherewithal to pay for a lot of food.  Maybe they've talked the peasants into keeping their livestock out of the main room, or maybe those annoying geese I noted in the early part of the episode have gone to the ovens.

For no apparent reason whatsoever, Arthur and Guinevere went for a postcoital horseback ride.  I mean, in the last episode, we found out that the beach is pretty much right next to Camelot.  Whatever butters your bagel, pal.  Guinevere is now fully into the après-sex blame-game stage, which, sister, haven't we all been there?  And Guinevere gets practical and says, "Tonight, Leontes will know."  I'm thinking that she's thinking of actual physical evidence.  She then pleads to Arthur, "What are we going to do?  We have to fix this!"  You want him to go to the beach and un-fuck you?  She continues with, "Leontes is a good man!"  Girl, you just spent all of the episode saying you don't want to be married to him.  So, I think you have a workable excuse now?

They come up on a dead deer, alone in the woods.  Bad sportsmanship, really.  If you hit an animal, you track it until it dies.  I digress again.  Guinevere starts running to the deer, like she's going to be able to resurrect it.  And then she demands of Arthur that he hand over the knife.  Arthur points out, reasonably, that it's already dead.  A palpable glow comes onto Guinevere's face as she says, "We can make it right!"  And then she demands the wineskin.  Maybe she and Morgan have more in common than they think.  She empties out the wineskin on the ground and slits the deer's neck open and starts collecting blood.

Castle Pendragon.  Merlin is still struggling with his bonds on Morgan's bed.  He finally manages to pull one loose, and undoes the other.  I'm hoping that this leather restraint system has been improved on in the last 15 centuries.  He then gets the Joseph Fiennes Anger Is Deep In My Soul look and starts running.  And out in the courtyard, Morgan is engaging in some falconry with … an owl?  That's not conventional falconry.  She jokingly asks, "You're leaving?"  He comes over to her, and asks, "What you showed me … is that all you've learnt?"  She indifferently replies, "For now."  Merlin tries to warn her off again with, "You don't understand the forces you're messing with.  I do.  You won't get what you want."  You get a definite vibe that the real deal is that Merlin is pissed off about what he got using similar forces.  Morgan hands over the owl to Vivian and plays into this idea by saying, "We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?  I've learnt to be patient.  Tell the king he has a home here.  Always."  And she's struck with whatever is the cost of this magic or a really bad menstrual cramp.  It's hard to tell.

Merlin leans down from his horse and starts with his mixed Morgan signals where he starts saying, with concern, "Morgan, Morgan."  And then he freezes up again and says, "May your health and judgement return promptly."  And then he yells for the gates to be opened.

We cut to the beach below Camelot, where Leontes is having his … stag party?  It's kind of hard to tell, except one guy yells, "Last night of freedom, Leontes!"  Either he's having his stag party on the day or this scene is out of sequence.  Also, they appear to be playing Frisbee.  This is a lot more boring than my husband's and my stag-and-hen night, where our friends came over, announced we were having a stag do, and started to deplete our entire liquor supply.  The night before the wedding.  One case of alcohol poisoning that I treated as a former army medic, and one hospitalisation resulted.  And that was before a 9 a.m. wedding.

Leontes, on the other hand, is about as boring as ever, although frankly, I've never heard of a fundamentalist Christian stag party, which may be just as … disgustingly wholesome.  Gawain is fully clothed and watching the proceedings with some disgust (and Ulfius and Brastias aren't even showing up), and Arthur shows up from further down the beach.  Pretty amusingly, Arthur and Gawain don't know each other yet, and they go through the intros.  Gawain notes, "Apparently, I work for you now."  Leontes, in the background, is begging not to be thrown into the water, and let me tell you from experience, the North Atlantic is cold.  I'm a woman, but a lot of the men I've known have told me stories about bathing in the North Atlantic that lead me to seriously wonder if he'd even be able to consummate his marriage.

Igraine is supervising Guinevere bathing (is this necessary?) and Bridget shows up with what appears to be the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch and informs her that a messenger sent it.  Guinevere is all about opening her wedding gifts, and opens it to find … a perfectly formed, beautiful pink seashell.  (A brachiopod shell, according to my research *cough*Wikipedia*cough*, not that anyone cares.)  Everyone praises it as being beautiful, and I'm certain Guinevere gets the double entendre here.  Igraine says that they'll put it on a ribbon so she can wear it.

The next scene is so bucolic that it may as well be the soundtrack to Giorgione, except that everyone's wearing way more clothes.  Also, they're way more slender than anyone in the Renaissance would have considered healthy.  All 8 or so of Arthur's knights are making a sword … not arch.  Canopy?  Gawain is nowhere to be found, so I have to assume he's either training himself at the pells, scavenging some of the booze from the feast or reading Marcus Aurelius.  At any rate, that's going to be painful damn quick.  Arm muscles ache.  Leontes is ready to get married while … wearing a sword?  Anyway, he's wearing a red velour tunic that is probably meant to be a major fashion statement, but that makes me think of Zapp Brannigan instead.

Arthur is wandering about wearing Uther's cape but no crown.  Everyone seems to have gotten down with his populist schtick, and now just nod to him and go back to their conversations, which has to be way more comfortable for Arthur.  And as soon as Arthur gets to the platform, Leontes has a very uncomfortable favour to ask.

"Your Highness, there's something I wanted to ask you."  Arthur has the look on his face that can only be explained by the fact that he'd just cuckolded the guy about to get married in front of him, but Leontes, as ever, is clueless.  And this has got to come like a gut-punch.  "Would you preside over our ceremony?  I've arranged to have an elder from our village do it, but it would mean so much more if the king would do it."  Arthur can barely speak, but manages to choke out an, "Of course."  In another period-inappropriate detail, they have rings, plural — there should be only one, worn by the bride.

Merlin stalks around the edges of the crowd, so he just got back, and he looks seriously pissy.  A soprano who is no doubt very good but grates on my ear anyway starts singing a cappella to signal that the ceremony's about to go down.  Gawain shows up on the edges of the feast, so I was right about that.  And Leodegrance is escorting Guinevere, wearing a crown of flowers, a period-inappropriate white dress with a blue overgown and … Arthur's seashell.  Holy mixed messages, Batman.  The processional is set up so that she passes Arthur before she gets to Leontes, and Kay chooses this moment to say, "Lucky Leontes."  Oh, Kay.  If only you knew.

Guinevere has been doing the right thing and keeping her eyes on her bridegroom, and then turns her eyes to Arthur before she actually makes it to Leontes.  Like I said, this show ain't much on subtlety.

Castle Pendragon.  Where, strangely, you can hear the a cappella singer.  Morgan goes into Uther's old torture chamber.  On the floor are chalked a bunch of esoteric symbols that I couldn't identify, so either they're truly obscure or I just gave up researching before I found them.  Morgan picks up her ring with Arthur's blood on it and comments, "Let's see what's truly in your heart, brother."  Then she dunks it into a cup of water.  She takes a spoonful of the water and boils it over a candle.  Maybe Morgan is the type to get high after all.  And then she drinks the boiling water.  Ouch.

Arthur then starts on an ad hoc marriage ceremony where he states that the rings should be a symbol of their unity and fidelity.  That's gotta burn.  And in fact, Guinevere gives him a Look for that one, which is fair enough — it's not like there's  a standard service at this time.

Morgan's panting as she watches Guinevere through Arthur's eyes.

Arthur says, "By witness of all those present, I pronounce you man and wife."  And it's gotta twist the knife that Guinevere is smiling as she kisses her new husband.  Once everyone starts cheering, it only seems to be noticed by Igraine that Arthur absents himself almost immediately with the wrong look on his face.

Guinevere got a good education in how to act enthusiastic this morning, and as Leontes finishes, he pillows his head on Guinevere's chest.  You can see that she got nothing out of it at all, although Leontes had a good time.  I'm willing to bet that Leontes was a virgin up until that moment.  When he's distracted at the chamberpot, Guinevere quickly digs out the wineskin she'd used earlier on the deer blood and pours a tiny bit out on the sheets.  When Leontes comes back to bed, he looks thrilled to see this on the sheets, although, honestly, I'm not sure that he would have even thought to look.

Presumably after Leontes falls asleep, Guinevere walks outside with the shell, still on its ribbon, clutched in her hand.  In fact, she walks onto a balcony of some sorts, the only one evident on that floor.  And, unsurprisingly to us all, doesn't have the nerve to throw it to the ocean.